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Dating After Divorce: Choosing Qualities of Fulfillment Part 4

by: Dr. Felicia Clark

This is part 4 of a 5-part series that teaches women how to have the relationship of their dreams instead of reacting to their divorce.
Part 1 is about activating your feminine energy so that you trigger a man’s provider/protector instinct instead of only stimulating his desire for sex.

Part 2 discusses being upfront about what you need without fear of‘running off’ the wrong man. In Part 3, you learn how to be receptive.Here in part four, you will learn how to choose qualities that yield fulfillment.

The first step to having a fulfilling relationship is to understand that humans naturally default to better survival – not happiness. Women may want happiness, but women are instinctively attracted to men who yield them higher status (e.g. better survival).

Whenever one talks about “status,” it deals with how human animal best survives – not how human spirit experiences happiness. Marriage, originally designed for efficient survival,is called “marital status” not marital happiness. Vows warn you that you might not be happy. So, if you want to be happy, you have to choose a man mostly based on spiritual characteristics. Love, happiness, and mutual respect are expressions of human spirit -not human animal. However, you cannot ignore the fact that human animal still needs better survival. Therefore, a lasting and fulfilling relationship cannot be all spiritual nor all human animal.

So, what is a good balance between the two? A good starting place is to choose at least 60% from human spirit and 40% or less to satisfy human animal.Stated another way, if your dream man had 10 characteristics that you need, 6 or more should be spiritual qualities while 4 or less should be animal attraction status based qualities.

The tables below list commonly desirable characteristics that women seek in a man.

Table: 1.1: Common Male Attributes That Female Human Animal Needs to Feel Safe and Secure

Human Animal – 40% or less

(status, ego, sexual attraction, better survival)

Choose up to 4 for every 10 qualities from human animal

*Breadwinner/ he provides comfort and more

*Rich/ provides comfort, dreams, the high life

*Some money/need financial help to survive

Exciting physical attraction/ high chemistry

Handsome/fit/your preferred body type

*Powerful/ high influence/good job

Dresses nice/ good style

He must marry you before having sex (trading motivated by the need for security - not the same as morality)

Companionship/Don’t want to be alone

Father figure/ provides stability

Monogamy/Commitment (security)

*Helps in the house/makes survival easier

Romantic

**Provides a secure feeling/you feel safe

*One or more of these is what women need to minimize stress and/or remain sexually interested long term.

**Without this, women tend to be unfulfilled.

Table: 1.2: Common Spiritual Qualities in Men That Yield Fulfillment For Women

Human Spirit – 60% or more

(spiritual practices, character qualities, connection, happiness)

Choose at least 6 for every 10 characteristics from human spirit

Feels gratitude

Compassionate Honesty

Love makingwith openness and connection

Good father present in child’s life

Generous

Laugh together

Supportive/ helps you

Helps others/helps community

Fights fair

High resonance (can finish each other’s sentences)

Spiritual practices (prayer, church attendance, respects nature,seeks peace)

You spend enough quality time together

Sexual discipline –intimacy without intercourse

Friends first/like each other

Gentlemanly behavior

Positive thinker/optimist

Trustworthy

*Good communication

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*Without good communication, relationships tend to lose spiritual connection and default to human animal survival.

You can add attributes to each list where appropriate. Just choose more human spirit than human animal. Otherwise, you trade happiness for survival which leaves women perpetually dissatisfied. Dysfunctional, strained, difficult relationships tend to be high on human animal attraction and low on human spiritual compatibility.

If you completed the exercise and chose more animal than spirit, make a free no obligation appointment to talk to Dr. Clark here: http://www.ebooklifecoach.com/#!members/citr . Dr. Clark will teach you the secrets to balancing your list so that you will always be able to create conditions for fulfilling relationships. Mention HopeAfterDivorce.org for a special offer.

Dr. Clark is a life coach, experienced college professor, and author who specializes in the math and science of happiness. Log on to www.ebooklifecoach.com and join her mailing list to stay updated on her workshops, books and teleseminars. She's a contributing expert at HopeAfterDivorce.org, FamilyShare.com, and LAFamily.com.

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